


your dilated eyes watch the clouds float

by toniblcssoms



Series: sell your soul, not your whole self [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Character Study, Gen, Lowercase, Past Abuse, SO much angst. like a fuckton, kinda? idk tbh, lydia and jace are siblings!!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-19
Updated: 2019-02-19
Packaged: 2019-10-31 09:54:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17847191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toniblcssoms/pseuds/toniblcssoms
Summary: his foster mom's boyfriend has a dark look in his eyes when they argue in the kitchen one night, and even though there's a lump in jace’s throat as he has flashbacks to his father he swallows it, because lydia has climbed down the stairs too and she looks like a mess, with the dark circles and bags and wet cheeks. so he grabs her by the arm lightly, takes her up to their room and turns on the tv, trying to tune out the mess downstairs. he could call the police, but he doesn't have the energy to pack his things in a bag and get sent to another foster home tonight, so he runs his hands through lydias hair as she cries herself to sleep and eventually he does too.





	your dilated eyes watch the clouds float

**Author's Note:**

> theres like... no plot to this. like it's just messy and messy and messy like my last fic. sorry about it.

jace knows he isn't allowed to be scared for most of his life.

lydia cries and shakes in his arms, the tears soaking his shirt as she hiccups and squeezes her eyes shut, like if she ignores them for long enough, the cops hovering them will stop asking questions. _we need to know her side of the story,_ they try, but jace shuts them down with a _don't you see she couldn't talk right now even if she wanted to?_ and the female officer lightly touches the male one on his arm, giving them a look of pity and walking off. _we can question her at the station, dave._ and it's left at that.

his foster mom's boyfriend has a dark look in his eyes when they argue in the kitchen one night, and even though there's a lump in jace’s throat as he has flashbacks to his father he swallows it, because lydia has climbed down the stairs too and she looks like a mess, with the dark circles and bags and wet cheeks. so he grabs her by the arm lightly, takes her up to their room and turns on the tv, trying to tune out the mess downstairs. he could call the police, but he doesn't have the energy to pack his things in a bag and get sent to another foster home tonight, so he runs his hands through lydias hair as she cries herself to sleep and eventually he does too.

jace cries in the shower sometimes, when everyone is asleep and the only things around him are a shampoo bottle and soap. it gets so tiring after a while, wiping the tears out of the corner of his eyes and putting on a cocky front that gets him slapped in the face by more girls than he'd like to admit. but no one asks him how he is, so it doesn't matter. he doesn't matter. not to the people who foster him and his sister, not to the teachers at school who turn a blind eye to the bullshit that happens and the bruises he turns up with. none of it matters.

lydia looks at him with tired eyes one night, standing in the doorway with wet hair and pajamas. she looks so young in the light, and so often he forgets that she’s just a kid, a kid who shouldn’t go through half the things she does, and it’s only in that moment he realizes that he would get beat up by his father for a millennium if it meant she was safe and happy. _is this the last home, do you think?_ she whispers, and it hurts his heart that her voice sounds different than it did a couple of years ago, so much more broken than before. _yeah, they seem nice_ he replies, and he’s being honest because dot and catarina are the best people he’s been put in a home with so far. they make jace and lydia breakfast, talk about normal happy things, don’t fight as much as he’s used to.

lydia nods at that, and it’s the end of that conversation because she trusts his judgement, something he doesn’t think is smart but doesn’t address. she sits down on the bed with him, puts a head on his shoulder and he almost shivers as her cold long hair wets his back. _could we watch a movie?_ she asks, and fuck, does it feel like they’re kids again, trying to distract from bottles being thrown at their mom downstairs and a screaming drunk father. except now it’s not like that, they’re safer now, and they don’t have to distract each other anymore. it’s more of a habit, so jace finds himself grinning and nodding as lydia grabs a dvd from his bookshelf and pops in into jace’s laptop.

-

jace won’t lie and say that he trusts his foster moms, because it’s hard to trust people after you’ve seen so many ugly ones in your life. but he does respect them, and after a while he learns to enjoy their company and cheesy mom jokes. he can see that lydia already loves them, spends more time with them than she’d care to admit, and there’s a part of him in there that hopes with all he has that she doesn't get too attached, but after a while he realizes that the ship has sailed, so he just hopes they can stay for longer than normal, not get snatched away for some dumb reason.

summer is over, they’ve been with dot and cat for a month, and cat is busy working overtime this week so dot puts them in the car and drives to the mall. she drags lydia with her to multiple stores and hands jace a one hundred dollar bill, tells him to find the cutest leather jacket and some jeans he can find. he smiles as they part ways, and he feels a little lost in such a big store, because none of his other foster parents ever cared enough to bring him to a mall, just dropped him off in a shitty thrift store and told him not to waste more than ten dollars.

he ends up buying two leather jackets and three pairs of jeans. it only totals up to fourty dollars, less than half of what she gave him so he feels good about it, hopes that she doesn’t give him a backhand and scream that she wasn’t serious, he shouldn’t have spent that much because he isn’t her real kid and money doesn’t grow on trees. it never comes, though. in fact, she’s surprised that he didn’t spend it all, but at least he got clothes.

-

catarina finds him in the kitchen at two in the morning one night, eating a pack of chips he got from the vending machine at the library earlier. she grabs a bottle of water from the fridge and drinks from it, before turning to look at him as he sits on the counter stool, eyes unfocused. _are you okay?_ and it’s like she’s thrown cold water at him, because he can’t remember the last time someone asked him that. he’s been wanting someone  to care for so long, but now he doesn’t know how to react, so he shrugs a shoulder and doesn’t look up from his bag of chips.

he doesn’t notice his hands are shaking until she places the bottle on the counter and leans forward, grabbing his wrists. he stops chewing, and his heartbeat is so loud in his ears it could hurt. _“i see a lot of myself in you, you know.”_ she starts. _“you don’t have to talk to me if you don’t want to. i wouldn’t blame you. i work a lot, we don’t see each other often, haven’t established a real relationship, all that. but i see it a lot, the way you carry yourself, the things you do to protect your sister.”_ he could cry right now if it weren’t for the fact that he’s too focused on her for it. _“you don’t always have to be strong. it isn’t your job, you’re just a kid. we’re here if you ever want to let some of that out, you know. i’m here. and i won’t judge you, okay?”_ he swallows, nods, and she lets go of his wrists, grabbing the water bottle once more.

“ _sorry, i know you weren’t expecting to get bombarded with emotions like this out of nowhere. but you’re my son now, and what kind of mother would i be if i let you wallow like that?”_ she walks to the stairs and stops for a moment, turning back to him. _“and, you seriously need to fix your sleeping schedule, school starts in a week.”_ and with that, she walks up to the second floor. he exhales, slumping back in his chair and popping a chip in his mouth.

it gets better.

  


**Author's Note:**

> this is.. Bad.. someone tell me if i should keep writing or delete this like it never happened.


End file.
